While orientation now seems like a lifetime ago, the fear and anxiety associated with that afternoon remain poignant. As we sat in a circle and listened to all of the continuing students rattle off their unfathomably impressive internship and summer experiences, and then formed small groups to do a human rights activity regarding the Honduran coup, I remember feeling utterly inadequate. Compounding my insecurity was the moment in which I met my incredible predecessor, Jenny, and the following realization that I would have to try to fill her shoes come March. Waves upon waves of pressure seemed to be crashing all around me. I wondered, as an incoming psychology major, with no background whatsoever in human rights nor activism, what did I have to offer? Had I made a mistake? Should I even go to class on Tuesday?
After the ensuing nervous breakdown which came in waves all weekend, I got over myself, read the dense reading assignments given to us, and went to Margie's class, Intro to International Communication. And... I survived. Maybe my contributions in class were far from earth-shattering insight, but I felt curiosity slowly start to overcome and eventually neutralize the swarming doubt.
In some ways, orientation was a lifetime ago. Of course, I still have a long way to go, but the ignorance I came in with has been replaced by several ways of knowing, strengthened through both classroom and overseas experiences. It has been a privilege to study and become friends with such a diverse, amazing group of people.
Yes; I'm still a bit awkward trying to walk in Jenny's shoes. The juggling act of identities, good student, head social networker to the IIC program, friend, and girlfriend, is far from perfected. However, there is much joy in the chaos; a hopeful melody growing stronger in the cacophony; and far less regret than had I chosen not to come to class that night.
Since starting with IIC in the Fall, I've done well enough to say I've studied in Costa Rica, am about to start an internship in Dublin, and will end on a service learning project in Tibetan India, and I have done all of this surrounded by incredibly talented, brilliant colleagues and friends. I've become a mentor five times over. I still feel so unaware when I learn next to fellow IICers sometimes, but it is more with intrigue now than insecurity. I came in without a critical lens and you all have helped me to develop one since September.
My eyes and heart are opening. It feels like there is nothing left to fear, only impacts to be made. I couldn't be more overwhelmed by excitement and awe of the upcoming finale to my own IIC experience. These things, the internship, the service learning project, were too nebulous to even be dreams before September. Now, they are realities on the horizon. IIC has completely changed my life, my way of knowing, the level of trust and belief I have in myself, and the caliber of people around me who challenge me every day.
So many opportunities have been afforded through this program. I almost don't want it to end now. Then again, if this much is possible in just one and a quarter years, then the future holds so much promise in so many directions I feel like I might burst.
To the grads and Margie: Thank you for all you have taught me, for turning me upside down, expanding my mind, pushing me, and for becoming my close friends along the way.
To the incoming students: The next one - two years are what you make of them. Get involved. Be ready to work, push yourself in all different directions, and take all opportunities presented to you. And most of all, be fearless!
No comments:
Post a Comment